Once you’ve left, can you ever go home again? Many have tried. Some had made it. Some would sooner drink poison. Like any other treacherous journey, a road map might get you going, and keep you on track.
What to Bring:
- All your worldly possessions
- A perpetually grateful facial expression
- A shameless complement for mom’s undercooked green bean casserole in front pocket
- Excuse for skipping dinner with your pervy Uncle Bob in back pocket
- Tap shoes
- Key to relock closet of family skeletons in case of self-esteem emergency
- Mario, the pusher’s number in cellphone as last resort
There are two ways to Home Again—The High Road and The Low Road. Each has pros and cons.
Route One—The Low Road: The Low Road is fastest, but the terrain is bumpy, all the way there. Rows of spikes spelling out “I Told You So” may appear in the road at any time. Slings, arrows, and outrageous barbs might pepper your windows. Keep those windows rolled up. Stay alert. Music might help fortify your determination to make it work this time. I recommend gangster rap or heavy metal—the louder the better.
Avoid alcohol. You’ll likely arrive before the smell has worn off. Remember, “Hi, Mom” and beer breath don’t mix. The same goes for marijuana—including medicinals. If your clothes and hair don’t smell, the red eyes and a pointless grin give you away.
About a mile from Home Again there’ll be a sign to the left called Burning Bridges. If you’re tempted to take this detour, be warned. You may get stuck in an endless loop and never make it Home Again.
Route Two—The High Road: Long and a bit twisty but quite scenic. The first quarter is all uphill, in rain, snow, mud, and the occasional earthquake. Locusts and erupting volcanoes might pop up so pack accordingly. Any music works. Avoid the soul-sucking zombies fair weather friends
that dot this stretch of highway. They’ll mooch your food, money and time. Okay to pick up a
few true friends along the way.
Drive on The High Road until you see a thousand-story building made of mirrors called The
Institute of No Regrets. It should be on your right. Slow down and drop off what you can but
don’t linger. Once you start to smell roses, it’s all downhill from there.
One last thing: In case you get cold feet, remember, The High Road takes can take 10-20 years longer than The Low Road, but you’ll enjoy Home Again much more with the perspective time provides.
Plus, did I mention the scenery along the way rocks?