The Inner Dialogue of Workplace Signs

The Inner Dialogue of Workplace Signs

The countless signs posted around my workplace direct and dictate in terse, demanding words. I sense they have an undercurrent of real meaning. They have subtext. They have their own inner dialogue.

It all went downhill after they removed paper towels from the building…

Watch your step

Pay attention to where you’re going, stupid. You’re responsible for your own medical bills. You people are so clumsy. You need to be reminded to walk straight. Pathetic peons. 

Hand Dryer is For Your Convenience

Hey. Stupid. Stop looking for paper towels. Been gone ever since one of you was caught hoarding rolls in her file cabinet. Yes, you’ll have to touch the door handle with your clean hands. Your point? See the alcohol foam dispenser to the right? Reach for it after you’ve dirtied your clean hands on the handle. What? You’re not coordinated enough to twist, reach around and pump? Not my problem. You were provided for. Inflexible clod. 

Attention!!! Please flush the toilet by hand. Flushing with your foot damages plumbing connection. 

I know it was you. Squeamish about sullying your precious hands on the flush handle? Well here’s what you’ve done. You’ve been responsible for leaking pipes, plumbing costs and growing water bills. No more. And don’t complain about the lack of paper towels. Read the sign above the hand dryer. Thoughtless neanderthal. 

Do not wash any dishes in restroom sinks. Please report anyone doing so to Facilities Management

This isn’t your nasty home kitchen. No one wants to look at your leftover kale bits and oatmeal globs. Besides, do you see any towels here for drying dishes? You soggy slop.

Break rooms are a common area for employees and visitors to use freely. Reservation of tables is NOT PERMISSIBLE unless it is coordinated through Facilities Management. 

Your posse takes up too much space roasting chickens, microwaving fish, making monster salads and spreading out for that monthly taco bar. Save your social escapades for after hours. You selfish slacker. 

Attention staff!!! Be advised that refrigerator and FREEZER will be cleaned the fourth Friday of every month. Please make sure all containers/contents have been removed By 5 PM on the designated Friday, or they will be thrown away.

Is this how you take care of your refrigerator at home? Not here! Your smelly fish and fermenting pears will be gone when you get back on Monday. Yes, and that includes the water bottles, frozen mango bits, and the organic vegan mayonnaise you hid in the vegetable bin. Your egg allergies bore me. If accommodations are made for you they’d have to be made for everyone. Filthy whiner. 

Do not water plants in this sink.

Dirt and food will clog up this cheap-ass garbage disposer so don’t even try putting anything in here. It’ll break and we won’t fix it for months. Hippy scum.  

Some of the best employees in This Organization walk through these halls.

Your union made me post this. Feel the morale boost yet? Yeah, you.